I love you..

It took me 10 years to finally hear the words coming from you willingly. I feel like I want to cry. Why, after I decided not to giving myself fully to you as before, you suddenly become so nice to me? It really hurts you know because I never know whether I can trust you or not anymore. Yes, you haven't fully betrayed me, yet, when you treat other girls special than me, it really hurts. And I'm not one who enjoyed being hurt. So, thank you. Yes, I love you too. I love you very2 much but I'm afraid to be hurt again. I'm sorry for not being the same girl you've known.

The Fight

I almost given up on you. Yes, I feel betrayed. And the saddest thing is, it happens on 1st Syawal, 5 June 2019. I'm keeping this as a reminder. For you and for me to remember. At the moment, I'm ready to let you go. I'm so hurt, so damn hurt that I lost every will I have. And I'm such a willful person. I just don't care anymore.
The main issue is, and my big question is, why the same girl? The girl named meryl. She, whom you said cute. She, who called you daddy. She, with whom you joked in the WhatsApp, whereas you're mostly cold and answer shortly whenever I texted you. And she, whom you jokingly mentioned as deng, which means love. And who am I then? She, whom go to you to solve her problems which she herself incited. Yet me, your wife, really avoided to burden you and most times doesn't want to bother you with my problems.
It hurts so much. So very much. Because I've make sure that I never hurt you. Because I always controlled how I mingle in others as I always aware I'm your wife. And I'm sorry, for that day I mentioned everything I did for you. Its not that I'm being petty but, I feel frustrated and betrayed. That I've become to wonder, what I've thrown my 10 years of living into. How could you?
To say that I'm fully ready to let you go is untrue. Yet, I refused being a fool for keeping an unfaithful partner. Sometimes, lives better being alone rather than constantly fearing of being betrayed.
And this girl, I've repeatedly mentioned of her inappropriateness to you, yet you ignored. And now I'm giving you the last chance. Because I'm not sure whether I can tolerate the next blow or not.

I miss my bestfriend

I do feel that, my biggest mistake in marriage is for me not moving on. I mean, I marry my best friend. And I assume that we will become best friend throughout our marriage. And along the way, I fell in love with him. But somehow, after 10 years of marriage, we reached our plateau and this relationship become stagnant.
Maybe, we just tired with each other. Or maybe, I'm just tired. I don't know. I miss the best friend I know in my husband. We used to talk about everything and anything. And now, he prefers talking to his friends about most things. And what hurts most is that, I love my best friend.
During our 2nd year of marriage, I always talk to my husband while he focused on his phone. He just loves his phone so much that I suspected that his phone is his everything. Since then, I start to learn ignoring whatever he's talking.
I guess, this is not entirely his fault. Half of it is my fault too. I used to be like a puppy, always vying for his attention. But as the year progresses, I saw how pointless it is. And this escalates when I see for myself how good he's treating others as compared to me.
In the end of the day, I thought, why bother? Why do I need to vie for his attention when he prefers to giving it elsewhere? So now, from today onwards, I would not be bothered by him. Just hey whatever. And what's the point in impressing my in laws anymore? When in the end of the day, we will not be together and go our separate ways. Maybe I shud start planning on how to send my husband home to his family. Ha ha

Frustration

We've been married for 10 years. And frustration is mounting. I love you but the words coming out from my mouth keep on hurting you. I didn't miss the look at your face and my heart ache every time. But do you know? You don't. I'm also a human. Tired of being misunderstood. When you put others better than me. When you doesn't care how I feel and my sacrifices. When you ignores me. When you prioritise others when I'm the one who suffers the most. You once told me that, you don't want to live near any of your siblings because you fear they might hear us fight/quarrel. Well, that's how I'm in your eyes. You have no idea how your word hurts me. But I swore to myself from then, that I won't retaliate anymore. I won't remind you, I won't nag you, I won't tell you how and what I feel. I just won't care how I feel. And every ache or hurt I encounter, I just pray for it to died down. Even when it kills my love for you, a bit at a time. Maybe that's our way out. To slowly not loving you to the point of falling into an irreparable abyss. And I'll just wait for the time to come. Be strong me self.

Why Love Letters?

Somebody told me that nothing can be fully erased in the digital world. Especially in this world wide Web. It is something called as a digital trail. Eventually, somebody bound to stumble on what we uploaded, wrote or scribble digitally. 

For me, this is the very reason I'm doing this. To be frank, I'm never a romantic person. Hence the love Letters? Because, I love my husband. And sadly, he will never know how much I love him because I'm someone who always screw up in my relationships and often failed to convey or demonstrate my love. In my working environment, I'm a tyrant, heartless and domineering. With friends, I'm a true friend, loyal and playful. With my family, I bear the responsibilities to protect them, to protect my family, for better and for worse. To my kids, my four lovely kids, I'm always the bad mother, strict and unforgiving. But the person I love most is my husband.

If I'm strong enough, I might update frequently, not to broadcast my life but hoping, that my life will one day become a guide for whoever reads this not to repeat my mistakes. It's more as my effort to share through my experience and whatever I share will benefits whoever happens to read this blog. I've got three blogs, and you'll see how different I can be, as an individual, at work and as a person.

And for my husband, you might not know about this blog, but I hope and pray, in the event that I'm no longer in this world, that you may stumble to this blog and know that I love you, for better and for worse, and it is always you whom I love the most. Forgive me in advance for my selfishness and for putting you prior to everything else that I had. 

I love you hubby.