A wife's feelings 4

I suspected my husband read this. Or anyone who close with him. But, what the heck. The thing is, I'm being honest. That's all. 10 year long marriage, a lot happens. The only thing is, I won't betray this marriage. That's why I opted for a divorce if the situation calls for it. At least I left with some dignity. Adultery is shameful. I've seen it happens and I must make sure I doesn't do it. We had a long discussion this week. About us. About divorce. About how I feel. I feel guilty separating him from his family. I dislike his brother for looking down on him. Don't mistake me, his brother is kind and cares about my husband. But considering that he always thought that my husband remains static in his life journey irritates me. Why can't people see that my husband and I actually just a normal husband and wife regardless of our job? And now I really dislike those young women who coveted him. Sakit hati

A wife's feelings part 3

To be honest, I guess a separation is inevitable. I feel a mixture of feelings. I can't determine which one is the strongest feelings yet one thing I know,that my feelings towards you starts fading. I don't feel the excitement and the adoration towards you anymore. What I feel is just blank. To the point that, I can't get angry anymore. And maybe I just don't want to care anymore. Improving and repairing a relationship is tiring. And I do feel that faking this whole relationship feels much more easier than really experiencing it. I used to love you so much to the point of I can't think of not living without you. Yet  now, I just feel that I'm a burden to you that you had to bear. Just be patient ok. I'll let you go when the time comes.

Stupid Little Me

Wellllll....
I really have to give it to her. So be it. 😏 I don't want to care because caring hurts so much. It's okay. Ehhh sikkan sik rasa something suspicious kan. Suddenly ngkah minyak wangi ya dalam bilik, then sleepy. I'm not indicating ada ilmu halus or what eventho kita sikpat deny perkara ya but then, niat ya Sik mustahil ada. Sik apa, kmk just give up jak dalam relationship tok. Cukup umur anak2, they'll be with me ok. I won't burden you. ☺️

Why I'm silent today

I guess, today will mark the day that I'll cease talking to you. Because lately, I've noticed that, you're angry whenever I talked to you. Regardless of anything. It will ended up as a quarrel. So I guess it's best if I just stop talking and only speak when necessary. It is sad you know, not being able to share things with you or just talk carelessly about anything. You know, I'm a chatty and cheerful person. But the moment I'm silent, I'll become a somber and cold person. That's just who I am.
At work, I just live the way I wanna live. At home, I want to be your best. But then, undeniably, I lost to your handphone and it hurts when I talk to you, you ended up being angry. So I guess, it's best for me to be silent. I'll just share my thoughts here, and assume I'm talking to you. Just like the old times. I might be strong and strict at work, yet I just need you to love me at home. But if all these only resulted in relentless quarrel, thus it best for me to just keep it all inside me.
Thanx for once being the person I love.

A wife's feelings part 2

I know all the stupid questions I asked annoys you. But your patience in trying to answer all the questions captivates me. But then, what seems trivial to you, as a man, is actually important to me. Because, my love, women are insecure creatures. Yeap. No matter how perfect we are. That's why women prone to depression. Telling me, that you love isn't enough. Because I want to know what makes me different from other women that you decided to live with me and hopefully stays true and loyal to me. Many reasons as to why women feels insecure and mostly I have to say owing to the cultures which almost in majority provides kinda negative environment for women to grow up with. Women, sadly, don't have the privilege to be as who we are. A woman is considered incapable if she doesn't master cooking even though she's an equal to male subordinate in workplace. And a woman is being told since young that, if she fails to maintain her beauty, manage the household and raise good kids, then she's a total failure. That's the challenges of being a woman. Women also constantly being informed that husbands can always have a choice to leave them for other younger women. This caused another stress need to be handled by women. Thus it's not easy being a woman, a daughter, a wife and especially a mother. It requires sacrifices. Hence faith in Allah is needed.
I don't ask much from you. Never material items and of course never something that you can't gift. Because all I wanted just you, cherishing me as your wife. And I hope that we'll be blessed by Allah for a peaceful and loving marriage. I just wanna grow old with you. I love you...

A wife's feeling... Part 1

Most people misunderstands the feelings of a wife. And it's inevitable in today's double income family. Actually, a wife's feelings and needs are simple. A wife will always need their husbands, come what may. The truth is, it doesn't matter if there are huge differences between the couples' career. Because the most important thing is the willingness to be together and to bask in love with each other.
I'm an official in my workplace. And being a high ranking officer, I possess stubbornness, shrewdness and assertiveness. Yet when I come home everyday, I'm happy, grateful and feel blessed for the little family I have. I'm happy to see my husband and hug him after a long day. And I missed my kids everyday that I can't wait to meet them every evening I come home.
My point is, no matter how a wife performs at workplace, in the end of the day, she's a wife who dotes on her husband and wants her husband to dotes on her. It's actually a simple thing that most of us overlooked.
Love isn't material. Love is what we feel about each other, and how we couldn't bear to harm each other. And love is about cherishing what we feel about each other.
I love you hubby. For accepting me as who I am. Thanx a million!!

Love is....

Love is... When you worried that I might be hungry due to me stubbornly going on a diet and you left me a piece of my favorite fried chicken for me just in case I starved myself... (and I ate the chicken.. Hahaha)
Love is... When I saw a piece of money in my wallet this morning when all the while I'm worried on how to tell you that I've spent all my money and I need some more for my lunches.
Love is... When you silently hug me at nights while I'm sleeping as you detected how tired I am and kissed me.
I love you hubby and thank you sayang...

I love you..

It took me 10 years to finally hear the words coming from you willingly. I feel like I want to cry. Why, after I decided not to giving myself fully to you as before, you suddenly become so nice to me? It really hurts you know because I never know whether I can trust you or not anymore. Yes, you haven't fully betrayed me, yet, when you treat other girls special than me, it really hurts. And I'm not one who enjoyed being hurt. So, thank you. Yes, I love you too. I love you very2 much but I'm afraid to be hurt again. I'm sorry for not being the same girl you've known.

The Fight

I almost given up on you. Yes, I feel betrayed. And the saddest thing is, it happens on 1st Syawal, 5 June 2019. I'm keeping this as a reminder. For you and for me to remember. At the moment, I'm ready to let you go. I'm so hurt, so damn hurt that I lost every will I have. And I'm such a willful person. I just don't care anymore.
The main issue is, and my big question is, why the same girl? The girl named meryl. She, whom you said cute. She, who called you daddy. She, with whom you joked in the WhatsApp, whereas you're mostly cold and answer shortly whenever I texted you. And she, whom you jokingly mentioned as deng, which means love. And who am I then? She, whom go to you to solve her problems which she herself incited. Yet me, your wife, really avoided to burden you and most times doesn't want to bother you with my problems.
It hurts so much. So very much. Because I've make sure that I never hurt you. Because I always controlled how I mingle in others as I always aware I'm your wife. And I'm sorry, for that day I mentioned everything I did for you. Its not that I'm being petty but, I feel frustrated and betrayed. That I've become to wonder, what I've thrown my 10 years of living into. How could you?
To say that I'm fully ready to let you go is untrue. Yet, I refused being a fool for keeping an unfaithful partner. Sometimes, lives better being alone rather than constantly fearing of being betrayed.
And this girl, I've repeatedly mentioned of her inappropriateness to you, yet you ignored. And now I'm giving you the last chance. Because I'm not sure whether I can tolerate the next blow or not.

I miss my bestfriend

I do feel that, my biggest mistake in marriage is for me not moving on. I mean, I marry my best friend. And I assume that we will become best friend throughout our marriage. And along the way, I fell in love with him. But somehow, after 10 years of marriage, we reached our plateau and this relationship become stagnant.
Maybe, we just tired with each other. Or maybe, I'm just tired. I don't know. I miss the best friend I know in my husband. We used to talk about everything and anything. And now, he prefers talking to his friends about most things. And what hurts most is that, I love my best friend.
During our 2nd year of marriage, I always talk to my husband while he focused on his phone. He just loves his phone so much that I suspected that his phone is his everything. Since then, I start to learn ignoring whatever he's talking.
I guess, this is not entirely his fault. Half of it is my fault too. I used to be like a puppy, always vying for his attention. But as the year progresses, I saw how pointless it is. And this escalates when I see for myself how good he's treating others as compared to me.
In the end of the day, I thought, why bother? Why do I need to vie for his attention when he prefers to giving it elsewhere? So now, from today onwards, I would not be bothered by him. Just hey whatever. And what's the point in impressing my in laws anymore? When in the end of the day, we will not be together and go our separate ways. Maybe I shud start planning on how to send my husband home to his family. Ha ha

Frustration

We've been married for 10 years. And frustration is mounting. I love you but the words coming out from my mouth keep on hurting you. I didn't miss the look at your face and my heart ache every time. But do you know? You don't. I'm also a human. Tired of being misunderstood. When you put others better than me. When you doesn't care how I feel and my sacrifices. When you ignores me. When you prioritise others when I'm the one who suffers the most. You once told me that, you don't want to live near any of your siblings because you fear they might hear us fight/quarrel. Well, that's how I'm in your eyes. You have no idea how your word hurts me. But I swore to myself from then, that I won't retaliate anymore. I won't remind you, I won't nag you, I won't tell you how and what I feel. I just won't care how I feel. And every ache or hurt I encounter, I just pray for it to died down. Even when it kills my love for you, a bit at a time. Maybe that's our way out. To slowly not loving you to the point of falling into an irreparable abyss. And I'll just wait for the time to come. Be strong me self.

Why Love Letters?

Somebody told me that nothing can be fully erased in the digital world. Especially in this world wide Web. It is something called as a digital trail. Eventually, somebody bound to stumble on what we uploaded, wrote or scribble digitally. 

For me, this is the very reason I'm doing this. To be frank, I'm never a romantic person. Hence the love Letters? Because, I love my husband. And sadly, he will never know how much I love him because I'm someone who always screw up in my relationships and often failed to convey or demonstrate my love. In my working environment, I'm a tyrant, heartless and domineering. With friends, I'm a true friend, loyal and playful. With my family, I bear the responsibilities to protect them, to protect my family, for better and for worse. To my kids, my four lovely kids, I'm always the bad mother, strict and unforgiving. But the person I love most is my husband.

If I'm strong enough, I might update frequently, not to broadcast my life but hoping, that my life will one day become a guide for whoever reads this not to repeat my mistakes. It's more as my effort to share through my experience and whatever I share will benefits whoever happens to read this blog. I've got three blogs, and you'll see how different I can be, as an individual, at work and as a person.

And for my husband, you might not know about this blog, but I hope and pray, in the event that I'm no longer in this world, that you may stumble to this blog and know that I love you, for better and for worse, and it is always you whom I love the most. Forgive me in advance for my selfishness and for putting you prior to everything else that I had. 

I love you hubby.